Growing up, I used to drink straight out of the family milk carton when no one was looking. Then I read Lying by Sam Harris, which convinced me to never tell little white lies. Then, when my parents and siblings had gone to sleep, and I was alone in the kitchen, craving a swig of milk, the habit to drink from the carton would arise. But I’d be haunted by the thought: “What if one day, randomly, the topic of drinking straight out of the carton comes up in conversation? And someone, trying to be funny, asks me: ‘Do you ever drink out of the carton?’” I could never endure the embarrassment of admitting that I did it all the time. So I would have had to break my commitment to telling the truth. Since I valued my commitment, I would preempt such a horrifying scenario by grabbing a cup to drink my milk out of. My commitment to honesty forced me to do the right thing.
Lying almost seems to advocate for absolutism about never lying in any situation. I’m not an absolutist, and neither is Sam Harris, but the vision of a life of uncompromising honesty gripped me profoundly. Living a life that I wouldn’t have to lie about became my primary ethical orientation. I began blurting out my actual thoughts and suffering the consequences, trusting that they were ultimately for the better. I learned that authentic listening is a requirement in order to be able to speak authentically without being an asshole. I learned that much of what drives our inauthenticity is not malicious scheming, or even cowardice, but simple distraction and absence of mind. I continue to feel the painful gap between how I behave and what’s actually true for me, and I remain dedicated to unfolding deeper authenticity as I live.
The dream of being fully yourself in all situations, never telling even little white lies, and living in a way that you’d be proud to be honest with anyone about, is a deeply anti-cynical dream. Since cynicism is poisonous, I recommend that you entertain this dream.
Recommended books:
- Lying by Sam Harris
- Insight Dialogue by Gregory Kramer — the deepest book I know about integrating meditation and communication. Chapters 10-15 are gold. The rest of the book is okay.
- Authentic Relating by Ryel Kestano
- Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication by Oren Jay Sofer
- Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton — this would be my last recommendation, because this guy is a bit of a charlatan and a blowhard. But worth checking out if you’re really into this.
